Sleeping with God

I'm just at the airport in Phoenix heading to the best place in the world, Bethany beach, for a fun weekend with Kelly and friends enjoying super bowl weekend together. Came down here Wednesday night and went to the PGA tournament with dad Thursday. Nothing better than walking a golf course and seeing some great play with your father. Short trip but great memories.

Since mom died I have in essence turned a cold shoulder to God. Not because I've lose faith in Him. I have just become upset with His plan even though in the depths of me I know His plan always prevails. I'm just really ticked off much like a child getting grounded for not turning in homework on time (see Anders Carlson about that). In the end I will realize that there is a purpose in all this crap.

Safe to say that in the last 90 days I have slept completely through the night a total of zero times. Too much on my mind to ever fully rest. We've all been there. Our biggest fears and stresses usually come around 3 in the morning and causes us to not rest. Why does that happen? Well anyway for the first 75 days or so since mom died I would just lie awake or watch tv in hopes of falling back asleep. Sometimes it would work. Most times no.

About two weeks ago I woke up like normal around 3 and decided it was time to talk to God. Now remember I didn't pray to Him. I talked to Him. I did not go through the ACTS prayer model. I just talked to Him. Told Him about my day. What I was feeling. What I was happy about or concerned about. I didn't ask for anything nor did I confess anything. I just talked. I would say that in the 3 1/2 conversation I had with God I fell back asleep countless times and would wake again only to pick the talk up as if it had never ended. After my talk with Him I would say that without question the day I had was the best I had since mom passed. I felt more productive, I felt more patient, and most important I felt so much peace. In a word it was awesome.

So for the last two weeks I have been sleeping with God. Every early morning I wake and I start my talk with Him. Tell Him how I feel (and yes He knows how ticked I am at Him), tell Him to say hi to mom for me and that I miss her so much, tell Him the things I've done wrong, tell Him my concerns, and tell Him what makes me happy. Again I have not asked for anything but I have seen Him more evident in my life in the last two weeks more than maybe ever. It has been so encouraging and eye opening

Today my challenge to you is to take a different perspective of our God. Prayer works. It's effective and necessary. Talking and listening and seeing also works too. In your times of trials I invite you to just talk to Him. And if you get woken in the middle of the night ask Him to hang out and sleep next to you. I can guarantee you will feel His peace and presence! It takes time but He is out there. I believe it!

Have a great weekend and I guess go packers? Go steelers? Oh boy I don't know. Just hope for a great game! My love to you all

New year

Hello all. Well I've been absent for some time. I've gotten on this blog and just have been unable to finish my thoughts. My dad blogged this morning saying it's been really hard doing the day to day. I find that to be true. The holidays should have been the tough haul to get through and in many ways it was. But make no mistake. Holidays were a joy compared to the life of normalcy. For all of us the holidays bring a different life. Busyness Time with friends and families. Celebration. Busyness busyness busyness. During the holidays I was able to enjoy the season through the eyes of my kids. Spend time with a great family and in reality be surrounded by the people I love the most. This Christmas I missed mom incredibly but was able to dull the pain with people and it was really great. And then the new year rang in!! I never realized what a routine life tends to be. We get wrapped up in knowing what each day has in store and let that become the life we live without altering the routine. My parents had a routine in their lives as individuals and as a couple. Travel, grandkids, friends, church, etc. They had a great and exciting routine and it worked really well. Now dad is stuck trying to find a brand new routine in his life while all the while everyone around him is still living the routine they have done for years. I can't imagine the loneliness he feels. Mind boggling. Yet he continues to take each day as a new challenge and is slowly finding his way on his terms and I'm really proud of how he has done. The pain is numbing but he recognizes the need to find that new routine and while it will take a lot of time I know he will find it

For me I am struggling to find that new routine as well. When mom and dad would be in town I would see them everyday without fail to stop by the house for a quick visit. It was something that was just a natural thing to do and one I looked forward to doing. I still drop by the house everyday and visit with dad but of course it feels so strange not having mom there to welcome me with a big hug and tell me to sit down and talk for awhile. Usually I was in between meetings or on my way to something else so I rarely took the time to sit down and talk for a long time. As my grandpa would say I would just make "whistle stops" This is a routine in my life that I loved doing and so wish i could drop by for a warm smile and hug from mom and you bet this time I would sit down and spend more time talking to her!!

These first two months since October 30th I have tried to rise up and stay busy knowing at some point I would be able to take time to really reflect on all that has happened and my awesome 39 years with mom. Well I am now at the point where I am even more busy but have come down and been reflecting so much more. I'm in a constant daze it seems like and getting the easiest of tasks done seems to take forever. At work I'm just really focusing on the urgent matters and just adding the rest to my growing to do list. For all my clients reading this please be patient with me! I will return to full strength soon. I'm trying to keep that spark but the flame is a tad dim right now. The littlest of things just punch me in the gut and knocks me out. So to all of you please know I feel your prayers and your love and support. Times are tough but I need to remind myself that while my to do list at home and work is long the things in life that I need to be thankful for is even longer.

And on that note please note that well towards the top of my thankfulness list is you, my family and friends. I can't imagine having to go through this without your love and support and at times your patience and understanding. Thank you.

I promise soon these blogs will be more uplifting and happy but thanks for reading and walking with me!! My love to you all