I'm just at the airport in Phoenix heading to the best place in the world, Bethany beach, for a fun weekend with Kelly and friends enjoying super bowl weekend together. Came down here Wednesday night and went to the PGA tournament with dad Thursday. Nothing better than walking a golf course and seeing some great play with your father. Short trip but great memories.
Since mom died I have in essence turned a cold shoulder to God. Not because I've lose faith in Him. I have just become upset with His plan even though in the depths of me I know His plan always prevails. I'm just really ticked off much like a child getting grounded for not turning in homework on time (see Anders Carlson about that). In the end I will realize that there is a purpose in all this crap.
Safe to say that in the last 90 days I have slept completely through the night a total of zero times. Too much on my mind to ever fully rest. We've all been there. Our biggest fears and stresses usually come around 3 in the morning and causes us to not rest. Why does that happen? Well anyway for the first 75 days or so since mom died I would just lie awake or watch tv in hopes of falling back asleep. Sometimes it would work. Most times no.
About two weeks ago I woke up like normal around 3 and decided it was time to talk to God. Now remember I didn't pray to Him. I talked to Him. I did not go through the ACTS prayer model. I just talked to Him. Told Him about my day. What I was feeling. What I was happy about or concerned about. I didn't ask for anything nor did I confess anything. I just talked. I would say that in the 3 1/2 conversation I had with God I fell back asleep countless times and would wake again only to pick the talk up as if it had never ended. After my talk with Him I would say that without question the day I had was the best I had since mom passed. I felt more productive, I felt more patient, and most important I felt so much peace. In a word it was awesome.
So for the last two weeks I have been sleeping with God. Every early morning I wake and I start my talk with Him. Tell Him how I feel (and yes He knows how ticked I am at Him), tell Him to say hi to mom for me and that I miss her so much, tell Him the things I've done wrong, tell Him my concerns, and tell Him what makes me happy. Again I have not asked for anything but I have seen Him more evident in my life in the last two weeks more than maybe ever. It has been so encouraging and eye opening
Today my challenge to you is to take a different perspective of our God. Prayer works. It's effective and necessary. Talking and listening and seeing also works too. In your times of trials I invite you to just talk to Him. And if you get woken in the middle of the night ask Him to hang out and sleep next to you. I can guarantee you will feel His peace and presence! It takes time but He is out there. I believe it!
Have a great weekend and I guess go packers? Go steelers? Oh boy I don't know. Just hope for a great game! My love to you all
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
New year
Hello all. Well I've been absent for some time. I've gotten on this blog and just have been unable to finish my thoughts. My dad blogged this morning saying it's been really hard doing the day to day. I find that to be true. The holidays should have been the tough haul to get through and in many ways it was. But make no mistake. Holidays were a joy compared to the life of normalcy. For all of us the holidays bring a different life. Busyness Time with friends and families. Celebration. Busyness busyness busyness. During the holidays I was able to enjoy the season through the eyes of my kids. Spend time with a great family and in reality be surrounded by the people I love the most. This Christmas I missed mom incredibly but was able to dull the pain with people and it was really great. And then the new year rang in!! I never realized what a routine life tends to be. We get wrapped up in knowing what each day has in store and let that become the life we live without altering the routine. My parents had a routine in their lives as individuals and as a couple. Travel, grandkids, friends, church, etc. They had a great and exciting routine and it worked really well. Now dad is stuck trying to find a brand new routine in his life while all the while everyone around him is still living the routine they have done for years. I can't imagine the loneliness he feels. Mind boggling. Yet he continues to take each day as a new challenge and is slowly finding his way on his terms and I'm really proud of how he has done. The pain is numbing but he recognizes the need to find that new routine and while it will take a lot of time I know he will find it
For me I am struggling to find that new routine as well. When mom and dad would be in town I would see them everyday without fail to stop by the house for a quick visit. It was something that was just a natural thing to do and one I looked forward to doing. I still drop by the house everyday and visit with dad but of course it feels so strange not having mom there to welcome me with a big hug and tell me to sit down and talk for awhile. Usually I was in between meetings or on my way to something else so I rarely took the time to sit down and talk for a long time. As my grandpa would say I would just make "whistle stops" This is a routine in my life that I loved doing and so wish i could drop by for a warm smile and hug from mom and you bet this time I would sit down and spend more time talking to her!!
These first two months since October 30th I have tried to rise up and stay busy knowing at some point I would be able to take time to really reflect on all that has happened and my awesome 39 years with mom. Well I am now at the point where I am even more busy but have come down and been reflecting so much more. I'm in a constant daze it seems like and getting the easiest of tasks done seems to take forever. At work I'm just really focusing on the urgent matters and just adding the rest to my growing to do list. For all my clients reading this please be patient with me! I will return to full strength soon. I'm trying to keep that spark but the flame is a tad dim right now. The littlest of things just punch me in the gut and knocks me out. So to all of you please know I feel your prayers and your love and support. Times are tough but I need to remind myself that while my to do list at home and work is long the things in life that I need to be thankful for is even longer.
And on that note please note that well towards the top of my thankfulness list is you, my family and friends. I can't imagine having to go through this without your love and support and at times your patience and understanding. Thank you.
I promise soon these blogs will be more uplifting and happy but thanks for reading and walking with me!! My love to you all
For me I am struggling to find that new routine as well. When mom and dad would be in town I would see them everyday without fail to stop by the house for a quick visit. It was something that was just a natural thing to do and one I looked forward to doing. I still drop by the house everyday and visit with dad but of course it feels so strange not having mom there to welcome me with a big hug and tell me to sit down and talk for awhile. Usually I was in between meetings or on my way to something else so I rarely took the time to sit down and talk for a long time. As my grandpa would say I would just make "whistle stops" This is a routine in my life that I loved doing and so wish i could drop by for a warm smile and hug from mom and you bet this time I would sit down and spend more time talking to her!!
These first two months since October 30th I have tried to rise up and stay busy knowing at some point I would be able to take time to really reflect on all that has happened and my awesome 39 years with mom. Well I am now at the point where I am even more busy but have come down and been reflecting so much more. I'm in a constant daze it seems like and getting the easiest of tasks done seems to take forever. At work I'm just really focusing on the urgent matters and just adding the rest to my growing to do list. For all my clients reading this please be patient with me! I will return to full strength soon. I'm trying to keep that spark but the flame is a tad dim right now. The littlest of things just punch me in the gut and knocks me out. So to all of you please know I feel your prayers and your love and support. Times are tough but I need to remind myself that while my to do list at home and work is long the things in life that I need to be thankful for is even longer.
And on that note please note that well towards the top of my thankfulness list is you, my family and friends. I can't imagine having to go through this without your love and support and at times your patience and understanding. Thank you.
I promise soon these blogs will be more uplifting and happy but thanks for reading and walking with me!! My love to you all
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Childhood Memories
Do you ever just take time to think about your childhood and the memories that stem from that? Do you have parents or grandparents that share stories from their childhood that keep you on the edge of your seat? I love listening to my clients who are generally over the age of 80 come in and talk to me about life when they were young and the various things they would do with their parents and the memories they have. Watching them it would seem like they have been jetted back in time and are experiencing it again right in front of me. I love that we have memories that can never be taken away.
We celebrated Christmas with my mothers side of the family on Sunday at our house. It was a really nice time to be together and to continue the tradition of a Swedish Smorgasbord and also just being together as a family but it was naturally quite different. This event would always be held at my parents house with mom doing everything up from the spread of food to candles lit all around that were so bright. Mom knew how to entertain. I would say the mood the entire night Sunday was generally somber which is understanable but for some reason during that time my mind kept steering me away from the present and sent me to the past, to my childhood. And in doing this I found myself experiencing a really cool sense of joy as memory after memory came to me of things that mom did that I will never forget. During this Christmas celebration I was reminded of:
* Annual Disneyland trips with just me and mom when we lived in California. Man did we have lots of fun and she made the day all about me and whatever I wanted we did. Memories.
* Friday lunches at Leeann Chins during my freshman year in college to catch up and talk about how school was going, friendships, struggles, etc. Memories.
* Family vacations to Hawaii, Europe, Florida. Mom was always concerned about making sure everyone was having a good time and she would go out of her way to make sure that happened. There was never a disappointing trip. Memories.
* Taking me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in Michigan one summers night and we held on to each other during the scary parts while also laughing all along. Memories.
* Going to work with her on my off days at school and even then being so fascinated with how she handled herself in the workplace. So in control of her surroundings yet also so loving to everyone around her. What an amazing gift. Memories
There are so many memories that come to my mind all the time. It really is the best part of my day when a memory pops into my head and I am becoming good and taking time to cherish that moment and put myself right back to where that memory happened. It has been a great way to mourn. By remembering all that was great.
Jim Valvano made an unforgettable speech at the ESPN Espy awards while accepting an award for his courage. In that speech he closed with these words. "Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. I thank you and God bless you all." Coach Valvano died 2 months later.
When I think of my mother and her instant transition from this life to another with no warning she left me behind stunned, shattered, broken, lost and completely overwhelmed. But as I consider how I have processed (crap I used that word) all this over the last 50 days I can paraphrase Valvano's speech into my own by saying, "Mom's sudden death has taken away so many of my daily physical abilities like seeing her, hugging her, talking to her, laughing with her and so on. But her death cannot touch my mind and the wonderful memories she has left me, it cannot touch my heart and the never ending unconditional love I have for her and it cannot touch my soul where my mother will forever reside in me as a voice, a role model and an encourager. These are the things that will carry on forever in my life and to my mother I say thank you and I love you."
I am so excited I have all these memories that will not go away and I am challenging myself to make memories for my kids so that someday they will have a rolodex full of memories of dad that will last them a lifetime much like what mom gave me.
I wish you a very very Merry Christmas and I look forward to all of us having a wonderful 2011!! My resolution for next year and my challenge to all of us will be to live life in the words that are inscribed on Coach Valvano's tombstone:
"Take time every day to laugh, to think, to cry."
We celebrated Christmas with my mothers side of the family on Sunday at our house. It was a really nice time to be together and to continue the tradition of a Swedish Smorgasbord and also just being together as a family but it was naturally quite different. This event would always be held at my parents house with mom doing everything up from the spread of food to candles lit all around that were so bright. Mom knew how to entertain. I would say the mood the entire night Sunday was generally somber which is understanable but for some reason during that time my mind kept steering me away from the present and sent me to the past, to my childhood. And in doing this I found myself experiencing a really cool sense of joy as memory after memory came to me of things that mom did that I will never forget. During this Christmas celebration I was reminded of:
* Annual Disneyland trips with just me and mom when we lived in California. Man did we have lots of fun and she made the day all about me and whatever I wanted we did. Memories.
* Friday lunches at Leeann Chins during my freshman year in college to catch up and talk about how school was going, friendships, struggles, etc. Memories.
* Family vacations to Hawaii, Europe, Florida. Mom was always concerned about making sure everyone was having a good time and she would go out of her way to make sure that happened. There was never a disappointing trip. Memories.
* Taking me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in Michigan one summers night and we held on to each other during the scary parts while also laughing all along. Memories.
* Going to work with her on my off days at school and even then being so fascinated with how she handled herself in the workplace. So in control of her surroundings yet also so loving to everyone around her. What an amazing gift. Memories
There are so many memories that come to my mind all the time. It really is the best part of my day when a memory pops into my head and I am becoming good and taking time to cherish that moment and put myself right back to where that memory happened. It has been a great way to mourn. By remembering all that was great.
Jim Valvano made an unforgettable speech at the ESPN Espy awards while accepting an award for his courage. In that speech he closed with these words. "Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. I thank you and God bless you all." Coach Valvano died 2 months later.
When I think of my mother and her instant transition from this life to another with no warning she left me behind stunned, shattered, broken, lost and completely overwhelmed. But as I consider how I have processed (crap I used that word) all this over the last 50 days I can paraphrase Valvano's speech into my own by saying, "Mom's sudden death has taken away so many of my daily physical abilities like seeing her, hugging her, talking to her, laughing with her and so on. But her death cannot touch my mind and the wonderful memories she has left me, it cannot touch my heart and the never ending unconditional love I have for her and it cannot touch my soul where my mother will forever reside in me as a voice, a role model and an encourager. These are the things that will carry on forever in my life and to my mother I say thank you and I love you."
I am so excited I have all these memories that will not go away and I am challenging myself to make memories for my kids so that someday they will have a rolodex full of memories of dad that will last them a lifetime much like what mom gave me.
I wish you a very very Merry Christmas and I look forward to all of us having a wonderful 2011!! My resolution for next year and my challenge to all of us will be to live life in the words that are inscribed on Coach Valvano's tombstone:
"Take time every day to laugh, to think, to cry."
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Little Things
Ok I am back to my Tuesday blogging. I sure have appreciated you reading these as it has been real good therepy for me. Before you continue to read please click on the link below and listen to the exchange from the movie Good Will Hunting. I tried to find the video but couldn't so audio will have to do. The scene is where Robin Williams (Sean) is talking to Matt Damon (Will) about his recently deceased wife. Take a listen and then come back to the blog!
http://www.hark.com/clips/vmzblgjhcm-idiosyncracies
Now this blog is not going to be about my mothers wind breaking (although she could throw down some doozies). I have been thinking recently a lot about the little things in life and how they can become so huge to us. In some cases that is bad but in a lot of ways it's the little things that are really the good stuff! During the week of mom's funeral and even today we talk about the little things that characterized mom. She had a lot of idiosyncrasies as we all do. Some bugged me like crazy, some made me laugh, and some were just plain cute. But I tell you what......wheather annoying, funny or cute one thing is for sure. I just flat out miss them now.
* I miss hearing mom's very loud high pitched "Hi honey how ya doing" whenever she would call.
* I miss mom calling me from the airplane telling me she is on the airplane with one last goodbye. Side note: that is one thing I really don't miss because I get so irritated when people talk on the phone while on the airplane. But mom did it everytime and she knew it bothered me but she kept doing it. I would give anything to get a phone call from her now.
* I miss her humming when she ate food. She couldn't eat anything without humming.
* I miss her hugs
* I miss her laugh
* I miss the fact she was never on time
* I miss all the times when she was to help with the kitchen clean up in Michigan she would mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and stay in there long enough so that when she got out the clean up was complete. Smart woman!!
* I miss that recreation to her was sitting on the couch watching CNBC. Who does that?
* I miss her screwing up names (i.e. She would call the restaurant Big Bowl "The Rice Bowl" or one of her favorite TV shows was Without a Trace yet she always called it "Still Missing" and on and on and on)
* I miss seeing her in her flannel nightgown in Grand Cayman when it was scorching hot.
* I miss her screaming someones name to get their attention. "JOOOOOOOOELLLLLLLL"
The best part about people is that no one in this world is the same. We are all different in our own way. What makes us different is the little things. I didn't appreciate the little things in mom when she was here. But I would love to have her back just to experience those little things again. Even the ones that drove me up a wall!
It is great that mom left me with so many memories. I can vividly hear her voice in my head, I can see her smiling face as if she is standing right in front of me. Mom was taken from me and that I can't control but no one can ever take away from me the memories that are forever linked to me. And that is really the good stuff.
Cherish the little things in your loved ones! Because those are the greatest gifts they give you!
http://www.hark.com/clips/vmzblgjhcm-idiosyncracies
Now this blog is not going to be about my mothers wind breaking (although she could throw down some doozies). I have been thinking recently a lot about the little things in life and how they can become so huge to us. In some cases that is bad but in a lot of ways it's the little things that are really the good stuff! During the week of mom's funeral and even today we talk about the little things that characterized mom. She had a lot of idiosyncrasies as we all do. Some bugged me like crazy, some made me laugh, and some were just plain cute. But I tell you what......wheather annoying, funny or cute one thing is for sure. I just flat out miss them now.
* I miss hearing mom's very loud high pitched "Hi honey how ya doing" whenever she would call.
* I miss mom calling me from the airplane telling me she is on the airplane with one last goodbye. Side note: that is one thing I really don't miss because I get so irritated when people talk on the phone while on the airplane. But mom did it everytime and she knew it bothered me but she kept doing it. I would give anything to get a phone call from her now.
* I miss her humming when she ate food. She couldn't eat anything without humming.
* I miss her hugs
* I miss her laugh
* I miss the fact she was never on time
* I miss all the times when she was to help with the kitchen clean up in Michigan she would mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and stay in there long enough so that when she got out the clean up was complete. Smart woman!!
* I miss that recreation to her was sitting on the couch watching CNBC. Who does that?
* I miss her screwing up names (i.e. She would call the restaurant Big Bowl "The Rice Bowl" or one of her favorite TV shows was Without a Trace yet she always called it "Still Missing" and on and on and on)
* I miss seeing her in her flannel nightgown in Grand Cayman when it was scorching hot.
* I miss her screaming someones name to get their attention. "JOOOOOOOOELLLLLLLL"
The best part about people is that no one in this world is the same. We are all different in our own way. What makes us different is the little things. I didn't appreciate the little things in mom when she was here. But I would love to have her back just to experience those little things again. Even the ones that drove me up a wall!
It is great that mom left me with so many memories. I can vividly hear her voice in my head, I can see her smiling face as if she is standing right in front of me. Mom was taken from me and that I can't control but no one can ever take away from me the memories that are forever linked to me. And that is really the good stuff.
Cherish the little things in your loved ones! Because those are the greatest gifts they give you!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Weather
So when weather people on TV say it's going to be partly cloudy does that also mean it will be partly sunny? If that is the case why don't they always just say in that circumstance that it will be partly sunny. I think that would be so much more cheerful. Or its either going to be cloudy or sunny, none of this middle of the road crap. Having said that if you were to ask me how I am doing in weather terms I would probably answer partly cloudy or partly sunny. So I guess forget everything I just said. This is the ride I'm on right now. No day has been completely awful and no day has been entirely awesome since October 30 but I am learning that the only way to get through all this is to find the sunny spots in what could be an otherwise cloudy day. So let me highlight some of the sunny spots I have seen or been reminded of in the last 40 days. Here is a sampling of 3 things:
1) I have an amazing dad. Before this all went down I thought he was pretty fantastic but since I have seen things in him that I would have never expected. What a completely real guy he is. I have watched him grieve, laugh, hurt, joke, be frustrated yet he has never swayed from the person that he is. He is really a treat to watch just operate his life in this "new normal" (by the way that's the last time I say the phrase "new normal." It annoys me right up there with words like moist, davenport, slacks, and touch base). If something ever happened to Kelly I can only hope that I can process (hate that word too) it as well and as healthy as he has. Keep it up dad! You are an inspiration beyond words.
2) I have an amazing wife who I have greatly underappreciated. She is hurting big time right now and has taken on the weight of Santa's sleigh and Santa himself yet she still moves forward day by day and knows what she has to get done and knows when to say enough is enough which is very hard for her to do. Yet she has been able to figure out how to handle this whole mess with the giving heart and spirit that she is so attached too. But she has also found ways to grieve in a very healthy way and she is very good at finding the little things that remind her of mom. Some good memories and some tough. For instance at church last Saturday a lady walked by her that was wearing the exact same sweater my mom was wearing the day she died. It was like a punch in the gut to Kelly and she had to take a moment at church to let the tears come. Even in the midst of her efforts to maintain a house, prepare for Christmas, plan for a houseful to be at our house at Christmas, and do whatever she can to help dad Kelly still finds times to take for herself to remember my mother. She is truly amazing.
3) My kids are amazing. I can't even put into words how much they mean to me. I have seen them in so many different ways this past month that has caused me to take a moment and reflect how lucky I am that God put these four intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, big-hearted angels in my life. I am making it a goal that I will never ever take my kids for granted and that they will always know I have their back always and I hope that whenever my day comes when I am taken from this earth my kids will know how much I loved them unconditionally the way I knew how much my mom loved me.
I was thinking today about something funny that happened on October 30th around the noon hour at a GNC store to me and my friend Peter. I won't get into the story, although it is hilarious, but the thought of that story stopped me in my tracks as I was reminded that when this funny thing happened life was pretty normal and it wasn't 5 hours later that life significantly changed in a flash. It's weird you look at life in kind of a before death/after death mentality. I was watching a show on TV I had recorded on Thursday October 28th and when I finally got around to watching it I thought wow mom was still alive when this recorded. It's crazy what the mind does but I am thinking about her in some way all the time which is really a good thing. Because the memories are so great I find myself smiling or laughing at things about her. I hope I will always have her near my mind all the time.
Not all things are so sunny. One of my biggest concerns right now is for my sweet daughter Margot, my 8 year old. Her and Amma had a very special relationship and Margot wears her emotions on her sleeve. She is having a very hard time. These past 10 days have really hit her hard. She has a room that is all in swedish colors just like my moms house is. Margot hasn't slept in there for a long time. She said she can't go anywhere even her own room without memories of Amma. I find her falling asleep everynight clutching onto a photo of mom as if she is holding a baby doll and in her other arm a pilliow of my moms from the house in Michigan that still smells of my mother. Really sweet to watch but the hurt comes when you see the tears rolling down Margot's face as she is holding these things. Breaks my heart to see this girl suffer so much. We have put her into some therepy (along with Anders and Sofie) and that seems to be really helping her out but I would ask you to say a little prayer for her and all the kids that they will continue to grieve the right way (not throw a right hook into the bedroom wall as Anders did) and know that they can talk to us about anything at anytime.
I'm having a really hard time going to work. Don't worry I am going to work and taking care of urgent matters and trying to end the year strong but I'm putting off a lot of the not urgent things until after the holidays. My office used to be moms office. A lot of my clients used to be moms. As you can imagine, much like Margot I can't go to work without a sense of mom everywhere. It's very hard to work at the office and I am going to be there only when I have to be. I can fortunately work from home and still be pretty productive so I don't think I will be going bankrupt anytime soon! :)
I'm still doing a good job of not asking why this happened but I have come to some very selfish conclusions. I do not take great joy that mom is in heaven with Jesus right now. I want her here. So having that reassurance doesn't help me. Mom was going to end up in heaven eventually......not sure why God was in a rush to get her there so fast. Now don't anyone panic. I'm not renouncing my faith.....I'm just a little ticked. I had a great time the other night helping out my dad host a Christmas Swedish Smorgasbord for his care group. This was something mom shined at and dad wanted to keep the tradition going and he did an awesome job. It was fun to be there yet so hard to see dad sitting at the table having fun laughing yet totally feeling the void in his life. I feel so bad for him and so mad for him. No way in hell did he deserve this. But I have remind myself that we are not the first people to deal with this. It happens to lots of people and you know what? You wake up each day and breathe in and out and see the cars driving down the road and people hustling to work, school, etc and I know full well that dad is going to make it. Life for sure goes on. As they say in my favorie movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying." I know dad is going to stay busy living just like I will! We will just need time just like all of us. It just really sucks.
I'm doing a good job keeping busy and trying to accomplish at least 3 things everyday. Wheather big or small I want to make sure I can put my name on each day knowing I got something done. I haven't met my goal everyday but I am doing my best! So keep me in your prayers too! I need it!
So looking ahead I think the 10 day forecast is going to be partly cloudy for me but the long term forecast there will be sunny days in the midst of the clouds! I have faith that it will be. Mom was always a person that found the sun through the clouds. I will not dishonor her memory by trying to find the clouds instead.
Thanks for reading....I know it is scattered, just like me! I will try to get next week posted on time! My love to all of you.
Joel
1) I have an amazing dad. Before this all went down I thought he was pretty fantastic but since I have seen things in him that I would have never expected. What a completely real guy he is. I have watched him grieve, laugh, hurt, joke, be frustrated yet he has never swayed from the person that he is. He is really a treat to watch just operate his life in this "new normal" (by the way that's the last time I say the phrase "new normal." It annoys me right up there with words like moist, davenport, slacks, and touch base). If something ever happened to Kelly I can only hope that I can process (hate that word too) it as well and as healthy as he has. Keep it up dad! You are an inspiration beyond words.
2) I have an amazing wife who I have greatly underappreciated. She is hurting big time right now and has taken on the weight of Santa's sleigh and Santa himself yet she still moves forward day by day and knows what she has to get done and knows when to say enough is enough which is very hard for her to do. Yet she has been able to figure out how to handle this whole mess with the giving heart and spirit that she is so attached too. But she has also found ways to grieve in a very healthy way and she is very good at finding the little things that remind her of mom. Some good memories and some tough. For instance at church last Saturday a lady walked by her that was wearing the exact same sweater my mom was wearing the day she died. It was like a punch in the gut to Kelly and she had to take a moment at church to let the tears come. Even in the midst of her efforts to maintain a house, prepare for Christmas, plan for a houseful to be at our house at Christmas, and do whatever she can to help dad Kelly still finds times to take for herself to remember my mother. She is truly amazing.
3) My kids are amazing. I can't even put into words how much they mean to me. I have seen them in so many different ways this past month that has caused me to take a moment and reflect how lucky I am that God put these four intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, big-hearted angels in my life. I am making it a goal that I will never ever take my kids for granted and that they will always know I have their back always and I hope that whenever my day comes when I am taken from this earth my kids will know how much I loved them unconditionally the way I knew how much my mom loved me.
I was thinking today about something funny that happened on October 30th around the noon hour at a GNC store to me and my friend Peter. I won't get into the story, although it is hilarious, but the thought of that story stopped me in my tracks as I was reminded that when this funny thing happened life was pretty normal and it wasn't 5 hours later that life significantly changed in a flash. It's weird you look at life in kind of a before death/after death mentality. I was watching a show on TV I had recorded on Thursday October 28th and when I finally got around to watching it I thought wow mom was still alive when this recorded. It's crazy what the mind does but I am thinking about her in some way all the time which is really a good thing. Because the memories are so great I find myself smiling or laughing at things about her. I hope I will always have her near my mind all the time.
Not all things are so sunny. One of my biggest concerns right now is for my sweet daughter Margot, my 8 year old. Her and Amma had a very special relationship and Margot wears her emotions on her sleeve. She is having a very hard time. These past 10 days have really hit her hard. She has a room that is all in swedish colors just like my moms house is. Margot hasn't slept in there for a long time. She said she can't go anywhere even her own room without memories of Amma. I find her falling asleep everynight clutching onto a photo of mom as if she is holding a baby doll and in her other arm a pilliow of my moms from the house in Michigan that still smells of my mother. Really sweet to watch but the hurt comes when you see the tears rolling down Margot's face as she is holding these things. Breaks my heart to see this girl suffer so much. We have put her into some therepy (along with Anders and Sofie) and that seems to be really helping her out but I would ask you to say a little prayer for her and all the kids that they will continue to grieve the right way (not throw a right hook into the bedroom wall as Anders did) and know that they can talk to us about anything at anytime.
I'm having a really hard time going to work. Don't worry I am going to work and taking care of urgent matters and trying to end the year strong but I'm putting off a lot of the not urgent things until after the holidays. My office used to be moms office. A lot of my clients used to be moms. As you can imagine, much like Margot I can't go to work without a sense of mom everywhere. It's very hard to work at the office and I am going to be there only when I have to be. I can fortunately work from home and still be pretty productive so I don't think I will be going bankrupt anytime soon! :)
I'm still doing a good job of not asking why this happened but I have come to some very selfish conclusions. I do not take great joy that mom is in heaven with Jesus right now. I want her here. So having that reassurance doesn't help me. Mom was going to end up in heaven eventually......not sure why God was in a rush to get her there so fast. Now don't anyone panic. I'm not renouncing my faith.....I'm just a little ticked. I had a great time the other night helping out my dad host a Christmas Swedish Smorgasbord for his care group. This was something mom shined at and dad wanted to keep the tradition going and he did an awesome job. It was fun to be there yet so hard to see dad sitting at the table having fun laughing yet totally feeling the void in his life. I feel so bad for him and so mad for him. No way in hell did he deserve this. But I have remind myself that we are not the first people to deal with this. It happens to lots of people and you know what? You wake up each day and breathe in and out and see the cars driving down the road and people hustling to work, school, etc and I know full well that dad is going to make it. Life for sure goes on. As they say in my favorie movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying." I know dad is going to stay busy living just like I will! We will just need time just like all of us. It just really sucks.
I'm doing a good job keeping busy and trying to accomplish at least 3 things everyday. Wheather big or small I want to make sure I can put my name on each day knowing I got something done. I haven't met my goal everyday but I am doing my best! So keep me in your prayers too! I need it!
So looking ahead I think the 10 day forecast is going to be partly cloudy for me but the long term forecast there will be sunny days in the midst of the clouds! I have faith that it will be. Mom was always a person that found the sun through the clouds. I will not dishonor her memory by trying to find the clouds instead.
Thanks for reading....I know it is scattered, just like me! I will try to get next week posted on time! My love to all of you.
Joel
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Delay
I think I goofed committing to Tuesday blogs as there is no way I'm gonna get one in today. I'm over at dads now helping him out as he is keeping up moms tradition of doing a Christmas Swedish smorgasbord for one of his care groups. It's been a really fun night. All that to say I will post blog tomorrow. Look forward to it!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Can't believe I'm doing this
Well here I am. In the past I giggled at people that set up blogs and never understood why that was so important. In 30 days time I have learned a lot and one thing I have learned is that expression is an awesome thing because everyone likes to express themselves differently. My father who is 70 has already beat me to the idea of blogging.....Dad you are a turkey! If you have not read my dad's blog you need to find it. What an unbelievable treat to read the stripped down completely raw feelings of a brokenhearted man who lost an awesome wife of 47 years on October 30th with no warning, no preparation, nothing. Here is a wonderful woman who was having the time of her life with her family and mid-sentence says her last word. No warning, no pain, but what a way to go. Just about 30 years too early but still, what a great way to go. But what you get out of his hurt is a man who is joyful and thankful and so in love and yet so jealous with our God who now has his arms wrapped around his wife and my mother. He hates that mom is gone but still claims joy and peace in the fact that Mom is now loving the new life she has in the world surrounded by Jesus. However, trust me, we in our own mind hate that mom is not with us. That is a natural selfish feeling and it won't go away, but we can't help but envy the life she is living now. How awesome is that and I can't wait for that day to come for me (but Lord if you are reading, make it in about 60 years).
As for me frankly I'm pissed off. Not for me but for my Mom. I'm not going to waste my time asking God why. Why do that when I will never feel content with the answer. What I'm mad at is that this woman who gave her heart and soul to making a difference one person at a time is now not here. I'm mad that she won't see anymore how people are changing for the good, how Mallory my 3 year old won't really have any memories yet we adopted Mallory at 6 months really in honor of my mother who challenged us to make a difference. I'm mad because my Dad now has to find a new life and a new normal without the rock that held him together. I'm mad because my once a month happy hours at Outback with my mom are over.
But in the midst of anger, I can't help but feel major joy. Joy because my life has been shaped in a way that was molded by my mom who taught me how to run a business. That a person is never a client first, but a friend first. That relationships are so much more important than commissions. That everyone needs to be loved and cared for. That is most important. I watched a woman who was never mad, never upset, always smiling and always looking for ways to make a positive difference. I also feel joy because my Mom knew how much I loved her. She knew. I left that hospital room talking to her in her state of already being departed about how great she was knowing full well she already knew. What a great feeling that was!!
I'm really not sure how I'm going to use this blog.,........I hope it gets read! My dad is going to be blogging on Mondays so maybe Tuesdays will be my day. Nevertheless I am going to use this as my way out. My way to vent and my way to heal. I would love it if you will take this ride with me. One favor to ask, if you still have you mother or father in their earthly form please do whatever you can to make sure they know how much you love them. I have found that any bitterness or anger really means nothing. Your parents brought you into this world and loved you unconditionally. That alone needs to be celebrated!!! I will check in again soon. Please keep reading.......what an awesome way to grieve! Dad, I now know why you are doing this. Tears are falling. Love to you all! Joel
As for me frankly I'm pissed off. Not for me but for my Mom. I'm not going to waste my time asking God why. Why do that when I will never feel content with the answer. What I'm mad at is that this woman who gave her heart and soul to making a difference one person at a time is now not here. I'm mad that she won't see anymore how people are changing for the good, how Mallory my 3 year old won't really have any memories yet we adopted Mallory at 6 months really in honor of my mother who challenged us to make a difference. I'm mad because my Dad now has to find a new life and a new normal without the rock that held him together. I'm mad because my once a month happy hours at Outback with my mom are over.
But in the midst of anger, I can't help but feel major joy. Joy because my life has been shaped in a way that was molded by my mom who taught me how to run a business. That a person is never a client first, but a friend first. That relationships are so much more important than commissions. That everyone needs to be loved and cared for. That is most important. I watched a woman who was never mad, never upset, always smiling and always looking for ways to make a positive difference. I also feel joy because my Mom knew how much I loved her. She knew. I left that hospital room talking to her in her state of already being departed about how great she was knowing full well she already knew. What a great feeling that was!!
I'm really not sure how I'm going to use this blog.,........I hope it gets read! My dad is going to be blogging on Mondays so maybe Tuesdays will be my day. Nevertheless I am going to use this as my way out. My way to vent and my way to heal. I would love it if you will take this ride with me. One favor to ask, if you still have you mother or father in their earthly form please do whatever you can to make sure they know how much you love them. I have found that any bitterness or anger really means nothing. Your parents brought you into this world and loved you unconditionally. That alone needs to be celebrated!!! I will check in again soon. Please keep reading.......what an awesome way to grieve! Dad, I now know why you are doing this. Tears are falling. Love to you all! Joel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)