Can't believe I'm doing this

Well here I am.  In the past I giggled at people that set up blogs and never understood why that was so important.  In 30 days time I have learned a lot and one thing I have learned is that expression is an awesome thing because everyone likes to express themselves differently.  My father who is 70 has already beat me to the idea of blogging.....Dad you are a turkey!  If you have not read my dad's blog you need to find it.  What an unbelievable treat to read the stripped down completely raw feelings of a brokenhearted man who lost an awesome wife of 47 years on October 30th with no warning, no preparation, nothing.  Here is a wonderful woman who was having the time of her life with her family and mid-sentence says her last word.  No warning, no pain, but what a way to go.  Just about 30 years too early but still, what a great way to go. But what you get out of his hurt is a man who is joyful and thankful and so in love and yet so jealous with our God who now has his arms wrapped around his wife and my mother.  He hates that mom is gone but still claims joy and peace in the fact that Mom is now loving the new life she has in the world surrounded by Jesus.  However, trust me, we in our own mind hate that mom is not with us.  That is a natural selfish feeling and it won't go away, but we can't help but envy the life she is living now.  How awesome is that and I can't wait for that day to come for me (but Lord if you are reading, make it in about 60 years). 

As for me frankly I'm pissed off.  Not for me but for my Mom.  I'm not going to waste my time asking God why.  Why do that when I will never feel content with the answer.  What I'm mad at is that this woman who gave her heart and soul to making a difference one person at a time is now not here.  I'm mad that she won't see anymore how people are changing for the good, how Mallory my 3 year old won't really have any memories yet we adopted Mallory at 6 months really in honor of my mother who challenged us to make a difference.  I'm mad because my Dad now has to find a new life and a new normal without the rock that held him together.  I'm mad because my once a month happy hours at Outback with my mom are over.

But in the midst of anger, I can't help but feel major joy.  Joy because my life has been shaped in a way that was molded by my mom who taught me how to run a business.  That a person is never a client first, but a friend first.  That relationships are so much more important than commissions.  That everyone needs to be loved and cared for.  That is most important.  I watched a woman who was never mad, never upset, always smiling and always looking for ways to make a positive difference.  I also feel joy because my Mom knew how much I loved her.  She knew. I left that hospital room talking to her in her state of already being departed about how great she was knowing full well she already knew.  What a great feeling that was!!

I'm really not sure how I'm going to use this blog.,........I hope it gets read!  My dad is going to be blogging on Mondays so maybe Tuesdays will be my day.  Nevertheless I am going to use this as my way out.  My way to vent and my way to heal.  I would love it if you will take this ride with me.  One favor to ask, if you still have you mother or father in their earthly form please do whatever you can to make sure they know how much you love them.  I have found that any bitterness or anger really means nothing.  Your parents brought you into this world and loved you unconditionally.  That alone needs to be celebrated!!!  I will check in again soon.  Please keep reading.......what an awesome way to grieve!  Dad, I now know why you are doing this.  Tears are falling.  Love to you all!  Joel