I'm just at the airport in Phoenix heading to the best place in the world, Bethany beach, for a fun weekend with Kelly and friends enjoying super bowl weekend together. Came down here Wednesday night and went to the PGA tournament with dad Thursday. Nothing better than walking a golf course and seeing some great play with your father. Short trip but great memories.
Since mom died I have in essence turned a cold shoulder to God. Not because I've lose faith in Him. I have just become upset with His plan even though in the depths of me I know His plan always prevails. I'm just really ticked off much like a child getting grounded for not turning in homework on time (see Anders Carlson about that). In the end I will realize that there is a purpose in all this crap.
Safe to say that in the last 90 days I have slept completely through the night a total of zero times. Too much on my mind to ever fully rest. We've all been there. Our biggest fears and stresses usually come around 3 in the morning and causes us to not rest. Why does that happen? Well anyway for the first 75 days or so since mom died I would just lie awake or watch tv in hopes of falling back asleep. Sometimes it would work. Most times no.
About two weeks ago I woke up like normal around 3 and decided it was time to talk to God. Now remember I didn't pray to Him. I talked to Him. I did not go through the ACTS prayer model. I just talked to Him. Told Him about my day. What I was feeling. What I was happy about or concerned about. I didn't ask for anything nor did I confess anything. I just talked. I would say that in the 3 1/2 conversation I had with God I fell back asleep countless times and would wake again only to pick the talk up as if it had never ended. After my talk with Him I would say that without question the day I had was the best I had since mom passed. I felt more productive, I felt more patient, and most important I felt so much peace. In a word it was awesome.
So for the last two weeks I have been sleeping with God. Every early morning I wake and I start my talk with Him. Tell Him how I feel (and yes He knows how ticked I am at Him), tell Him to say hi to mom for me and that I miss her so much, tell Him the things I've done wrong, tell Him my concerns, and tell Him what makes me happy. Again I have not asked for anything but I have seen Him more evident in my life in the last two weeks more than maybe ever. It has been so encouraging and eye opening
Today my challenge to you is to take a different perspective of our God. Prayer works. It's effective and necessary. Talking and listening and seeing also works too. In your times of trials I invite you to just talk to Him. And if you get woken in the middle of the night ask Him to hang out and sleep next to you. I can guarantee you will feel His peace and presence! It takes time but He is out there. I believe it!
Have a great weekend and I guess go packers? Go steelers? Oh boy I don't know. Just hope for a great game! My love to you all
Thanks for being honest, Joel. Love you!
ReplyDeleteJoel, I think you should include numerous lies throughout your next post, just to spite Chessa. Regardless, I enjoy hearing your thoughts, and I suspect that they will one day serve as a useful roadmap for others that experience grief.
ReplyDeletep.s. The title of this post would also serve well as that for a lighter, more uplifting sequel to the 1991 Julia Roberts film, "Sleeping with the Enemy."
Joel I love your honest here. With babies I am still up often in the night and I love when you said this: "if you get woken in the middle of the night ask Him to hang out." I'm still praying for you guys!
ReplyDelete