Do you ever just take time to think about your childhood and the memories that stem from that? Do you have parents or grandparents that share stories from their childhood that keep you on the edge of your seat? I love listening to my clients who are generally over the age of 80 come in and talk to me about life when they were young and the various things they would do with their parents and the memories they have. Watching them it would seem like they have been jetted back in time and are experiencing it again right in front of me. I love that we have memories that can never be taken away.
We celebrated Christmas with my mothers side of the family on Sunday at our house. It was a really nice time to be together and to continue the tradition of a Swedish Smorgasbord and also just being together as a family but it was naturally quite different. This event would always be held at my parents house with mom doing everything up from the spread of food to candles lit all around that were so bright. Mom knew how to entertain. I would say the mood the entire night Sunday was generally somber which is understanable but for some reason during that time my mind kept steering me away from the present and sent me to the past, to my childhood. And in doing this I found myself experiencing a really cool sense of joy as memory after memory came to me of things that mom did that I will never forget. During this Christmas celebration I was reminded of:
* Annual Disneyland trips with just me and mom when we lived in California. Man did we have lots of fun and she made the day all about me and whatever I wanted we did. Memories.
* Friday lunches at Leeann Chins during my freshman year in college to catch up and talk about how school was going, friendships, struggles, etc. Memories.
* Family vacations to Hawaii, Europe, Florida. Mom was always concerned about making sure everyone was having a good time and she would go out of her way to make sure that happened. There was never a disappointing trip. Memories.
* Taking me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark in Michigan one summers night and we held on to each other during the scary parts while also laughing all along. Memories.
* Going to work with her on my off days at school and even then being so fascinated with how she handled herself in the workplace. So in control of her surroundings yet also so loving to everyone around her. What an amazing gift. Memories
There are so many memories that come to my mind all the time. It really is the best part of my day when a memory pops into my head and I am becoming good and taking time to cherish that moment and put myself right back to where that memory happened. It has been a great way to mourn. By remembering all that was great.
Jim Valvano made an unforgettable speech at the ESPN Espy awards while accepting an award for his courage. In that speech he closed with these words. "Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever. I thank you and God bless you all." Coach Valvano died 2 months later.
When I think of my mother and her instant transition from this life to another with no warning she left me behind stunned, shattered, broken, lost and completely overwhelmed. But as I consider how I have processed (crap I used that word) all this over the last 50 days I can paraphrase Valvano's speech into my own by saying, "Mom's sudden death has taken away so many of my daily physical abilities like seeing her, hugging her, talking to her, laughing with her and so on. But her death cannot touch my mind and the wonderful memories she has left me, it cannot touch my heart and the never ending unconditional love I have for her and it cannot touch my soul where my mother will forever reside in me as a voice, a role model and an encourager. These are the things that will carry on forever in my life and to my mother I say thank you and I love you."
I am so excited I have all these memories that will not go away and I am challenging myself to make memories for my kids so that someday they will have a rolodex full of memories of dad that will last them a lifetime much like what mom gave me.
I wish you a very very Merry Christmas and I look forward to all of us having a wonderful 2011!! My resolution for next year and my challenge to all of us will be to live life in the words that are inscribed on Coach Valvano's tombstone:
"Take time every day to laugh, to think, to cry."
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Little Things
Ok I am back to my Tuesday blogging. I sure have appreciated you reading these as it has been real good therepy for me. Before you continue to read please click on the link below and listen to the exchange from the movie Good Will Hunting. I tried to find the video but couldn't so audio will have to do. The scene is where Robin Williams (Sean) is talking to Matt Damon (Will) about his recently deceased wife. Take a listen and then come back to the blog!
http://www.hark.com/clips/vmzblgjhcm-idiosyncracies
Now this blog is not going to be about my mothers wind breaking (although she could throw down some doozies). I have been thinking recently a lot about the little things in life and how they can become so huge to us. In some cases that is bad but in a lot of ways it's the little things that are really the good stuff! During the week of mom's funeral and even today we talk about the little things that characterized mom. She had a lot of idiosyncrasies as we all do. Some bugged me like crazy, some made me laugh, and some were just plain cute. But I tell you what......wheather annoying, funny or cute one thing is for sure. I just flat out miss them now.
* I miss hearing mom's very loud high pitched "Hi honey how ya doing" whenever she would call.
* I miss mom calling me from the airplane telling me she is on the airplane with one last goodbye. Side note: that is one thing I really don't miss because I get so irritated when people talk on the phone while on the airplane. But mom did it everytime and she knew it bothered me but she kept doing it. I would give anything to get a phone call from her now.
* I miss her humming when she ate food. She couldn't eat anything without humming.
* I miss her hugs
* I miss her laugh
* I miss the fact she was never on time
* I miss all the times when she was to help with the kitchen clean up in Michigan she would mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and stay in there long enough so that when she got out the clean up was complete. Smart woman!!
* I miss that recreation to her was sitting on the couch watching CNBC. Who does that?
* I miss her screwing up names (i.e. She would call the restaurant Big Bowl "The Rice Bowl" or one of her favorite TV shows was Without a Trace yet she always called it "Still Missing" and on and on and on)
* I miss seeing her in her flannel nightgown in Grand Cayman when it was scorching hot.
* I miss her screaming someones name to get their attention. "JOOOOOOOOELLLLLLLL"
The best part about people is that no one in this world is the same. We are all different in our own way. What makes us different is the little things. I didn't appreciate the little things in mom when she was here. But I would love to have her back just to experience those little things again. Even the ones that drove me up a wall!
It is great that mom left me with so many memories. I can vividly hear her voice in my head, I can see her smiling face as if she is standing right in front of me. Mom was taken from me and that I can't control but no one can ever take away from me the memories that are forever linked to me. And that is really the good stuff.
Cherish the little things in your loved ones! Because those are the greatest gifts they give you!
http://www.hark.com/clips/vmzblgjhcm-idiosyncracies
Now this blog is not going to be about my mothers wind breaking (although she could throw down some doozies). I have been thinking recently a lot about the little things in life and how they can become so huge to us. In some cases that is bad but in a lot of ways it's the little things that are really the good stuff! During the week of mom's funeral and even today we talk about the little things that characterized mom. She had a lot of idiosyncrasies as we all do. Some bugged me like crazy, some made me laugh, and some were just plain cute. But I tell you what......wheather annoying, funny or cute one thing is for sure. I just flat out miss them now.
* I miss hearing mom's very loud high pitched "Hi honey how ya doing" whenever she would call.
* I miss mom calling me from the airplane telling me she is on the airplane with one last goodbye. Side note: that is one thing I really don't miss because I get so irritated when people talk on the phone while on the airplane. But mom did it everytime and she knew it bothered me but she kept doing it. I would give anything to get a phone call from her now.
* I miss her humming when she ate food. She couldn't eat anything without humming.
* I miss her hugs
* I miss her laugh
* I miss the fact she was never on time
* I miss all the times when she was to help with the kitchen clean up in Michigan she would mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and stay in there long enough so that when she got out the clean up was complete. Smart woman!!
* I miss that recreation to her was sitting on the couch watching CNBC. Who does that?
* I miss her screwing up names (i.e. She would call the restaurant Big Bowl "The Rice Bowl" or one of her favorite TV shows was Without a Trace yet she always called it "Still Missing" and on and on and on)
* I miss seeing her in her flannel nightgown in Grand Cayman when it was scorching hot.
* I miss her screaming someones name to get their attention. "JOOOOOOOOELLLLLLLL"
The best part about people is that no one in this world is the same. We are all different in our own way. What makes us different is the little things. I didn't appreciate the little things in mom when she was here. But I would love to have her back just to experience those little things again. Even the ones that drove me up a wall!
It is great that mom left me with so many memories. I can vividly hear her voice in my head, I can see her smiling face as if she is standing right in front of me. Mom was taken from me and that I can't control but no one can ever take away from me the memories that are forever linked to me. And that is really the good stuff.
Cherish the little things in your loved ones! Because those are the greatest gifts they give you!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Weather
So when weather people on TV say it's going to be partly cloudy does that also mean it will be partly sunny? If that is the case why don't they always just say in that circumstance that it will be partly sunny. I think that would be so much more cheerful. Or its either going to be cloudy or sunny, none of this middle of the road crap. Having said that if you were to ask me how I am doing in weather terms I would probably answer partly cloudy or partly sunny. So I guess forget everything I just said. This is the ride I'm on right now. No day has been completely awful and no day has been entirely awesome since October 30 but I am learning that the only way to get through all this is to find the sunny spots in what could be an otherwise cloudy day. So let me highlight some of the sunny spots I have seen or been reminded of in the last 40 days. Here is a sampling of 3 things:
1) I have an amazing dad. Before this all went down I thought he was pretty fantastic but since I have seen things in him that I would have never expected. What a completely real guy he is. I have watched him grieve, laugh, hurt, joke, be frustrated yet he has never swayed from the person that he is. He is really a treat to watch just operate his life in this "new normal" (by the way that's the last time I say the phrase "new normal." It annoys me right up there with words like moist, davenport, slacks, and touch base). If something ever happened to Kelly I can only hope that I can process (hate that word too) it as well and as healthy as he has. Keep it up dad! You are an inspiration beyond words.
2) I have an amazing wife who I have greatly underappreciated. She is hurting big time right now and has taken on the weight of Santa's sleigh and Santa himself yet she still moves forward day by day and knows what she has to get done and knows when to say enough is enough which is very hard for her to do. Yet she has been able to figure out how to handle this whole mess with the giving heart and spirit that she is so attached too. But she has also found ways to grieve in a very healthy way and she is very good at finding the little things that remind her of mom. Some good memories and some tough. For instance at church last Saturday a lady walked by her that was wearing the exact same sweater my mom was wearing the day she died. It was like a punch in the gut to Kelly and she had to take a moment at church to let the tears come. Even in the midst of her efforts to maintain a house, prepare for Christmas, plan for a houseful to be at our house at Christmas, and do whatever she can to help dad Kelly still finds times to take for herself to remember my mother. She is truly amazing.
3) My kids are amazing. I can't even put into words how much they mean to me. I have seen them in so many different ways this past month that has caused me to take a moment and reflect how lucky I am that God put these four intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, big-hearted angels in my life. I am making it a goal that I will never ever take my kids for granted and that they will always know I have their back always and I hope that whenever my day comes when I am taken from this earth my kids will know how much I loved them unconditionally the way I knew how much my mom loved me.
I was thinking today about something funny that happened on October 30th around the noon hour at a GNC store to me and my friend Peter. I won't get into the story, although it is hilarious, but the thought of that story stopped me in my tracks as I was reminded that when this funny thing happened life was pretty normal and it wasn't 5 hours later that life significantly changed in a flash. It's weird you look at life in kind of a before death/after death mentality. I was watching a show on TV I had recorded on Thursday October 28th and when I finally got around to watching it I thought wow mom was still alive when this recorded. It's crazy what the mind does but I am thinking about her in some way all the time which is really a good thing. Because the memories are so great I find myself smiling or laughing at things about her. I hope I will always have her near my mind all the time.
Not all things are so sunny. One of my biggest concerns right now is for my sweet daughter Margot, my 8 year old. Her and Amma had a very special relationship and Margot wears her emotions on her sleeve. She is having a very hard time. These past 10 days have really hit her hard. She has a room that is all in swedish colors just like my moms house is. Margot hasn't slept in there for a long time. She said she can't go anywhere even her own room without memories of Amma. I find her falling asleep everynight clutching onto a photo of mom as if she is holding a baby doll and in her other arm a pilliow of my moms from the house in Michigan that still smells of my mother. Really sweet to watch but the hurt comes when you see the tears rolling down Margot's face as she is holding these things. Breaks my heart to see this girl suffer so much. We have put her into some therepy (along with Anders and Sofie) and that seems to be really helping her out but I would ask you to say a little prayer for her and all the kids that they will continue to grieve the right way (not throw a right hook into the bedroom wall as Anders did) and know that they can talk to us about anything at anytime.
I'm having a really hard time going to work. Don't worry I am going to work and taking care of urgent matters and trying to end the year strong but I'm putting off a lot of the not urgent things until after the holidays. My office used to be moms office. A lot of my clients used to be moms. As you can imagine, much like Margot I can't go to work without a sense of mom everywhere. It's very hard to work at the office and I am going to be there only when I have to be. I can fortunately work from home and still be pretty productive so I don't think I will be going bankrupt anytime soon! :)
I'm still doing a good job of not asking why this happened but I have come to some very selfish conclusions. I do not take great joy that mom is in heaven with Jesus right now. I want her here. So having that reassurance doesn't help me. Mom was going to end up in heaven eventually......not sure why God was in a rush to get her there so fast. Now don't anyone panic. I'm not renouncing my faith.....I'm just a little ticked. I had a great time the other night helping out my dad host a Christmas Swedish Smorgasbord for his care group. This was something mom shined at and dad wanted to keep the tradition going and he did an awesome job. It was fun to be there yet so hard to see dad sitting at the table having fun laughing yet totally feeling the void in his life. I feel so bad for him and so mad for him. No way in hell did he deserve this. But I have remind myself that we are not the first people to deal with this. It happens to lots of people and you know what? You wake up each day and breathe in and out and see the cars driving down the road and people hustling to work, school, etc and I know full well that dad is going to make it. Life for sure goes on. As they say in my favorie movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying." I know dad is going to stay busy living just like I will! We will just need time just like all of us. It just really sucks.
I'm doing a good job keeping busy and trying to accomplish at least 3 things everyday. Wheather big or small I want to make sure I can put my name on each day knowing I got something done. I haven't met my goal everyday but I am doing my best! So keep me in your prayers too! I need it!
So looking ahead I think the 10 day forecast is going to be partly cloudy for me but the long term forecast there will be sunny days in the midst of the clouds! I have faith that it will be. Mom was always a person that found the sun through the clouds. I will not dishonor her memory by trying to find the clouds instead.
Thanks for reading....I know it is scattered, just like me! I will try to get next week posted on time! My love to all of you.
Joel
1) I have an amazing dad. Before this all went down I thought he was pretty fantastic but since I have seen things in him that I would have never expected. What a completely real guy he is. I have watched him grieve, laugh, hurt, joke, be frustrated yet he has never swayed from the person that he is. He is really a treat to watch just operate his life in this "new normal" (by the way that's the last time I say the phrase "new normal." It annoys me right up there with words like moist, davenport, slacks, and touch base). If something ever happened to Kelly I can only hope that I can process (hate that word too) it as well and as healthy as he has. Keep it up dad! You are an inspiration beyond words.
2) I have an amazing wife who I have greatly underappreciated. She is hurting big time right now and has taken on the weight of Santa's sleigh and Santa himself yet she still moves forward day by day and knows what she has to get done and knows when to say enough is enough which is very hard for her to do. Yet she has been able to figure out how to handle this whole mess with the giving heart and spirit that she is so attached too. But she has also found ways to grieve in a very healthy way and she is very good at finding the little things that remind her of mom. Some good memories and some tough. For instance at church last Saturday a lady walked by her that was wearing the exact same sweater my mom was wearing the day she died. It was like a punch in the gut to Kelly and she had to take a moment at church to let the tears come. Even in the midst of her efforts to maintain a house, prepare for Christmas, plan for a houseful to be at our house at Christmas, and do whatever she can to help dad Kelly still finds times to take for herself to remember my mother. She is truly amazing.
3) My kids are amazing. I can't even put into words how much they mean to me. I have seen them in so many different ways this past month that has caused me to take a moment and reflect how lucky I am that God put these four intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, big-hearted angels in my life. I am making it a goal that I will never ever take my kids for granted and that they will always know I have their back always and I hope that whenever my day comes when I am taken from this earth my kids will know how much I loved them unconditionally the way I knew how much my mom loved me.
I was thinking today about something funny that happened on October 30th around the noon hour at a GNC store to me and my friend Peter. I won't get into the story, although it is hilarious, but the thought of that story stopped me in my tracks as I was reminded that when this funny thing happened life was pretty normal and it wasn't 5 hours later that life significantly changed in a flash. It's weird you look at life in kind of a before death/after death mentality. I was watching a show on TV I had recorded on Thursday October 28th and when I finally got around to watching it I thought wow mom was still alive when this recorded. It's crazy what the mind does but I am thinking about her in some way all the time which is really a good thing. Because the memories are so great I find myself smiling or laughing at things about her. I hope I will always have her near my mind all the time.
Not all things are so sunny. One of my biggest concerns right now is for my sweet daughter Margot, my 8 year old. Her and Amma had a very special relationship and Margot wears her emotions on her sleeve. She is having a very hard time. These past 10 days have really hit her hard. She has a room that is all in swedish colors just like my moms house is. Margot hasn't slept in there for a long time. She said she can't go anywhere even her own room without memories of Amma. I find her falling asleep everynight clutching onto a photo of mom as if she is holding a baby doll and in her other arm a pilliow of my moms from the house in Michigan that still smells of my mother. Really sweet to watch but the hurt comes when you see the tears rolling down Margot's face as she is holding these things. Breaks my heart to see this girl suffer so much. We have put her into some therepy (along with Anders and Sofie) and that seems to be really helping her out but I would ask you to say a little prayer for her and all the kids that they will continue to grieve the right way (not throw a right hook into the bedroom wall as Anders did) and know that they can talk to us about anything at anytime.
I'm having a really hard time going to work. Don't worry I am going to work and taking care of urgent matters and trying to end the year strong but I'm putting off a lot of the not urgent things until after the holidays. My office used to be moms office. A lot of my clients used to be moms. As you can imagine, much like Margot I can't go to work without a sense of mom everywhere. It's very hard to work at the office and I am going to be there only when I have to be. I can fortunately work from home and still be pretty productive so I don't think I will be going bankrupt anytime soon! :)
I'm still doing a good job of not asking why this happened but I have come to some very selfish conclusions. I do not take great joy that mom is in heaven with Jesus right now. I want her here. So having that reassurance doesn't help me. Mom was going to end up in heaven eventually......not sure why God was in a rush to get her there so fast. Now don't anyone panic. I'm not renouncing my faith.....I'm just a little ticked. I had a great time the other night helping out my dad host a Christmas Swedish Smorgasbord for his care group. This was something mom shined at and dad wanted to keep the tradition going and he did an awesome job. It was fun to be there yet so hard to see dad sitting at the table having fun laughing yet totally feeling the void in his life. I feel so bad for him and so mad for him. No way in hell did he deserve this. But I have remind myself that we are not the first people to deal with this. It happens to lots of people and you know what? You wake up each day and breathe in and out and see the cars driving down the road and people hustling to work, school, etc and I know full well that dad is going to make it. Life for sure goes on. As they say in my favorie movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying." I know dad is going to stay busy living just like I will! We will just need time just like all of us. It just really sucks.
I'm doing a good job keeping busy and trying to accomplish at least 3 things everyday. Wheather big or small I want to make sure I can put my name on each day knowing I got something done. I haven't met my goal everyday but I am doing my best! So keep me in your prayers too! I need it!
So looking ahead I think the 10 day forecast is going to be partly cloudy for me but the long term forecast there will be sunny days in the midst of the clouds! I have faith that it will be. Mom was always a person that found the sun through the clouds. I will not dishonor her memory by trying to find the clouds instead.
Thanks for reading....I know it is scattered, just like me! I will try to get next week posted on time! My love to all of you.
Joel
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Delay
I think I goofed committing to Tuesday blogs as there is no way I'm gonna get one in today. I'm over at dads now helping him out as he is keeping up moms tradition of doing a Christmas Swedish smorgasbord for one of his care groups. It's been a really fun night. All that to say I will post blog tomorrow. Look forward to it!
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