Weather

So when weather people on TV say it's going to be partly cloudy does that also mean it will be partly sunny?  If that is the case why don't they always just say in that circumstance that it will be partly sunny.  I think that would be so much more cheerful.  Or its either going to be cloudy or sunny, none of this middle of the road crap.  Having said that if you were to ask me how I am doing in weather terms I would probably answer partly cloudy or partly sunny.  So I guess forget everything I just said.  This is the ride I'm on right now.  No day has been completely awful and no day has been entirely awesome since October 30 but I am learning that the only way to get through all this is to find the sunny spots in what could be an otherwise cloudy day.  So let me highlight some of the sunny spots I have seen or been reminded of in the last 40 days.  Here is a sampling of 3 things:

1)  I have an amazing dad.  Before this all went down I thought he was pretty fantastic but since I have seen things in him that I would have never expected.  What a completely real guy he is.  I have watched him grieve, laugh, hurt, joke, be frustrated yet he has never swayed from the person that he is.  He is really a treat to watch just operate his life in this "new normal" (by the way that's the last time I say the phrase "new normal."  It annoys me right up there with words like moist, davenport, slacks, and touch base).   If something ever happened to Kelly I can only hope that I can process (hate that word too) it as well and as healthy as he has.  Keep it up dad!  You are an inspiration beyond words.
 
2)  I have an amazing wife who I have greatly underappreciated.  She is hurting big time right now and has taken on the weight of Santa's sleigh and Santa himself yet she still moves forward day by day and knows what she has to get done and knows when to say enough is enough which is very hard for her to do.  Yet she has been able to figure out how to handle this whole mess with the giving heart and spirit that she is so attached too.  But she has also found ways to grieve in a very healthy way and she is very good at finding the little things that remind her of mom.  Some good memories and some tough.  For instance at church last Saturday a lady walked by her that was wearing the exact same sweater my mom was wearing the day she died.  It was like a punch in the gut to Kelly and she had to take a moment at church to let the tears come.  Even in the midst of her efforts to maintain a house, prepare for Christmas, plan for a houseful to be at our house at Christmas, and do whatever she can to help dad Kelly still finds times to take for herself to remember my mother.  She is truly amazing.

3)  My kids are amazing.  I can't even put into words how much they mean to me.  I have seen them in so many different ways this past month that has caused me to take a moment and reflect how lucky I am that God put these four intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, big-hearted angels in my life.  I am making it a goal that I will never ever take my kids for granted and that they will always know I have their back always and I hope that whenever my day comes when I am taken from this earth my kids will know how much I loved them unconditionally the way I knew how much my mom loved me.

I was thinking today about something funny that happened on October 30th around the noon hour at a GNC store to me and my friend Peter.  I won't get into the story, although it is hilarious, but the thought of that story stopped me in my tracks as I was reminded that when this funny thing happened life was pretty normal and it wasn't 5 hours later that life significantly changed in a flash.  It's weird you look at life in kind of a before death/after death mentality.  I was watching a show on TV I had recorded on Thursday October 28th and when I finally got around to watching it I thought wow mom was still alive when this recorded.  It's crazy what the mind does but I am thinking about her in some way all the time which is really a good thing.  Because the memories are so great I find myself smiling or laughing at things about her.  I hope I will always have her near my mind all the time.

Not all things are so sunny.  One of my biggest concerns right now is for my sweet daughter Margot, my 8 year old.  Her and Amma had a very special relationship and Margot wears her emotions on her sleeve.  She is having a very hard time.  These past 10 days have really hit her hard.  She has a room that is all in swedish colors just like my moms house is.  Margot hasn't slept in there for a long time.  She said she can't go anywhere even her own room without memories of Amma.  I find her falling asleep everynight clutching onto a photo of mom as if she is holding a baby doll and in her other arm a pilliow of my moms from the house in Michigan that still smells of my mother.  Really sweet to watch but the hurt comes when you see the tears rolling down Margot's face as she is holding these things.  Breaks my heart to see this girl suffer so much.  We have put her into some therepy (along with Anders and Sofie) and that seems to be really helping her out but I would ask you to say a little prayer for her and all the kids that they will continue to grieve the right way (not throw a right hook into the bedroom wall as Anders did) and know that they can talk to us about anything at anytime.

I'm having a really hard time going to work.  Don't worry I am going to work and taking care of urgent matters and trying to end the year strong but I'm putting off a lot of the not urgent things until after the holidays.  My office used to be moms office.  A lot of my clients used to be moms.  As you can imagine, much like Margot I can't go to work without a sense of mom everywhere.  It's very hard to work at the office and I am going to be there only when I have to be.  I can fortunately work from home and still be pretty productive so I don't think I will be going bankrupt anytime soon!  :) 

I'm still doing a good job of not asking why this happened but I have come to some very selfish conclusions.   I do not take great joy that mom is in heaven with Jesus right now.  I want her here.  So having that reassurance doesn't help me.  Mom was going to end up in heaven eventually......not sure why God was in a rush to get her there so fast.  Now don't anyone panic.  I'm not renouncing my faith.....I'm just a little ticked.  I had a great time the other night helping out my dad host a Christmas Swedish Smorgasbord for his care group.  This was something mom shined at and dad wanted to keep the tradition going and he did an awesome job.  It was fun to be there yet so hard to see dad sitting at the table having fun laughing yet totally feeling the void in his life.  I feel so bad for him and so mad for him.  No way in hell did he deserve this.  But I have remind myself that we are not the first people to deal with this.  It happens to lots of people and you know what?  You wake up each day and breathe in and out and see the cars driving down the road and people hustling to work, school, etc and I know full well that dad is going to make it.  Life for sure goes on. As they say in my favorie movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying."  I know dad is going to stay busy living just like I will!  We will just need time just like all of us.  It just really sucks.

I'm doing a good job keeping busy and trying to accomplish at least 3 things everyday.  Wheather big or small I want to make sure I can put my name on each day knowing I got something done.  I haven't met my goal everyday but I am doing my best!  So keep me in your prayers too!  I need it!

So looking ahead I think the 10 day forecast is going to be partly cloudy for me but the long term forecast there will be sunny days in the midst of the clouds!  I have faith that it will be.  Mom was always a person that found the sun through the clouds.  I will not dishonor her memory by trying to find the clouds instead. 

Thanks for reading....I know it is scattered, just like me!  I will try to get next week posted on time!  My love to all of you. 

Joel